


Music

by Esti7310



Series: Carry On countdown fics [2]
Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Dancing, Fluff, M/M, but happy by the end!, for the carry on countdown, kinda sad oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 17:22:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8722336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esti7310/pseuds/Esti7310
Summary: It had been the worst in the first few months, when Simon would sit in silence for hours at a time, or when he would mutter simple spells under his breath and then realize that nothing was going to happen. It was like when you don’t realize you’re hearing a song until it stops, and you look up blinking, wondering what changed. 
Simon's still figuring out his new life. Baz helps him out.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is for day 9 of the Carry On countdown, "music." This was literally going to be just cute fluff about Simon and Baz making a playlist... and now here we are. Hope you like it :)

It had been almost a year, but Simon still wasn’t completely used to living without magic.

It had been the worst in the first few months, when Simon would sit in silence for hours at a time, or when he would mutter simple spells under his breath and then realize that nothing was going to happen. It was like when you don’t realize you’re hearing a song until it stops, and you look up blinking, wondering what changed. When the magic stopped, everything was different. And that was on top of… well, everything. The Mage, Ebb, Agatha vanishing.

It made Baz’s heart ache, watching Simon struggle with everything that had happened. Watching him fight to keep himself smiling and positive, and watching him dissolve into angry tears, too. Baz didn’t know what to do with helplessness. Baz needed composure, control – Simon made him fall apart.

But Baz would do anything for Simon.

It was getting better now. Simon’s breakdowns had turned into rare moments instead of being constant. He had stopped looking around in a daze, stopped feeling like he’d lost a sense. It was almost normal now.

Baz still worried, though, especially when he went too long without seeing Simon. He’d gotten caught up in university the past few days, and Penny was off in America with her father for a week. Baz felt like he was being eaten away by nerves during his Friday classes. He’d been texting Simon all day, but Simon stopped answering around noon, and now Baz was really starting to worry. He could barely make himself pay attention to his lecture, checking his watch constantly until the professor finally dismissed them.

Baz rushed to his car and started the drive to Simon’s flat. _He’s fine,_ Baz kept telling himself. _He’s always fine._ The drive felt like it took hours, even though it was really only twenty minutes.

“Simon?” Baz called, letting himself in with his spare key. “Are you here?”

“Yes,” said a voice, so quiet that Baz barely heard it. He dumped his bag and hurried into the living room.

“Oh, Simon, love,” he whispered. Simon was sitting on the couch, curled around himself and looking up at Baz. His eyes were a bit red. Baz rushed over and curled up next to Simon, wrapping his arm around his shoulders.

“Are you all right?” he asked quietly, wiping a tear gently off of Simon’s cheek. Simon nodded weakly.

“I’m sorry, I’m fine,” said Simon, his voice shaking. “Really, it’s… it’s nothing.”

“Simon,” murmured Baz, pulling him closer. “Simon, if there’s anything… anything you can tell me…”

Simon didn’t say anything for a few minutes, just leaned into Baz and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. Baz held him and let him stay quiet. If there was one thing he’d learned, it was to let Simon stay silent when he needed to. Baz waited.

“It’s… you know,” whispered Simon finally. “I’ve just been on my own and I was having

nightmares and when I woke up, I didn’t feel magic, and I thought it was the Humdrum for a second. And then I realised, and I just… you know.”

Simon’s voice cracked and his chest shook, and Baz nearly broke down himself at that. He tangled a hand carefully in Simon’s hair.

“I’m so sorry, Simon,” he said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I should have been here.”

“No, no, it’s… you’re here now,” said Simon. “You shouldn’t have to babysit me.”

“It’s not babysitting,” said Baz. “You know that’s not how I feel about it.”

He let Simon cry, and he held him close, his heart breaking with every new tear that he wiped off Simon’s cheek. Baz didn’t usually put his emotions out on the table like this and let himself be so soft with Simon – only when they needed it. He waited for Simon’s breath to even out, letting him calm down, his arms around Baz’s neck and his face buried in Baz’s sweater.

Simon finally sat up a bit more. “I’m sorry,” he said again, his voice clearer now.

“No more ‘I’m sorry’s,” Baz said, mostly just relieved that Simon was out of the total breakdown stage.

“Can you grab the speaker from the kitchen?” asked Simon after a moment.

“Yeah,” said Baz. He found the speaker and brought it back to the living room. “You want to play something?”

Simon nodded and connected his phone. Baz watched over his shoulder as he pulled up the playlist the two of them had both contributed to – songs Baz liked, songs Simon liked, songs that reminded them of each other. Baz smiled softly and kissed a mole on Simon’s neck.

“Haven’t heard this in a while,” said Baz.

“I know,” said Simon. “I’m just gonna shuffle it.”

Baz heard the first chords of “Golden Boy” as Simon leaned back into him. The room was lit only by the low lamplight, and Simon was looking a bit better. Peaceful. He closed his eyes and rested his head on Simon’s shoulder, lacing their hands together. Simon’s fingers were warm. 

Neither moved until they heard the opening notes of “Into my Arms” a few songs later. It was a slow song, the first one they had ever danced to. Simon looked up at Baz, grinning.

Baz smiled back at the beautiful boy next to him, his heart melting, wondering how it was that the boy he’d loved since they were kids was here. Even if they were broken, Simon was _here,_ and there was no one he’d rather be with to pick up the pieces.

Baz untangled himself from Simon and stood up, wordlessly holding out his hands. Simon took them tentatively and stood up off the couch.

“You know I’m rotten at dancing,” he whispered.

“Oh, I know,” said Baz, putting a hand on Simon’s waist. “I just want a chance to tell you that.”

Simon laughed softly and leaned into Baz, pulling him close. They fell into silence again, Baz leading Simon in a slow dance around the living room. Simon stumbled a bit, and he needed to watch Baz’s feet to figure out what to do, but it was good anyway.

“I hope you’re not missing anything important for me,” said Simon quietly.

“I’ve already told you it’s no trouble, I felt like I should be here,” said Baz. “I’m happy when you’re happy.”

“Then, right now, I’m making you not happy.”

“Stop with that, Simon,” Baz whispers. “That’s not what I meant. I’m happy I’m here. I’d rather be here with you instead of somewhere else worrying.”

“But you could be fine right now,” whispered Simon. “You could be fine, if not for me.”

“I could never be fine without you,” said Baz firmly. “Never, Simon.”

“Baz,” whispered Simon, running a hand up his side. He met Simon’s clear blue eyes, looking down at him as they spun slowly, rotating in the dim light, orbiting each other.

Baz let his gaze slide to Simon’s lips, and he pulled him closer, closing the small distance between them. Simon kissed him back with gentle desperation, like he needed this. Like he needed it more than anything.

They pulled apart when the music stopped. It was like neither realized they had been hearing the song until it stopped, and both of them looked up, blinking, wondering for a moment what had changed.

Nothing had. Not really. Songs and magic and moments could start and stop and start again, but this… this was constant.

“I love you,” Baz whispered. He didn’t let himself say it very often – only when he couldn’t _not_ say it.

Simon sighed into Baz’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”

“We still match,” said Baz.

Simon tilted his head up again, his lips hovering over Baz’s in an almost-kiss.

“I love you, too, Baz.”

Baz reached back and started the playlist over again, and even though most of the songs weren’t all that good for dancing, they danced.

**Author's Note:**

> My Snowbaz playlist that I based this fic on is on Spotify here - https://open.spotify.com/user/estiwi2000/playlist/46w44mceleALgoRjKTBnnY :)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed my fluffy sappy poetic mess. Comments and feedback keep me alive, so if you want to do that, I'd love you forever. I'm posting more stuff for the countdown on my tumblr @simon-snowman :)
> 
> (also, i'm lame and i can't figure out how to hyperlink the playlist, so if you happen to know how to do that thing and tell me, you'd be my favorite person)


End file.
